#348- The Five Deadly Venoms

Quick recap: 5 former martial arts students have become experts on specific moves that match to animals: the centipede,snake, scorpion, lizard and toad. Their dying instructor believes some of them may be evil and orders his current student to take care of them, even though he has no chance of defeating them.

son, you’ve got a toad on your head

Fun (?) fact: Power Rangers Jungle Fury had a group of enemies called the Five Poison Fingers, an homage to this film.

Mondays got me like…

My thoughts: I’m not beating around the bush for this one: it was awesome and everyone should watch it. It’s currently streaming on Netflix as of August 2018 so what are you waiting for?

So, why is The Five Deadly Venoms so amazing?

  1. It’s dubbed! On the sub versus dub debate, I’m squarely in the sub camp, except when it comes to films like this. Most of the dialogue is people telling how they want to kill someone else so dubbing is the way to go.
  2.  There is good versus evil afoot but also it’s fun to figure out who is actually bad. Right away the audience knows Centipede and Snake are bad news but the rest (and their identities) are rolled out slowly. It added an extra layer of complexity I really enjoyed.
  3. The five venoms were so much fun to watch! I know nothing about kung-fu and seeing people get beaten up gets old after awhile, unless you attach cool animals (and a toad) to the moves. I loved watching each master and recognizing who he was. It was like a Buzzfeed quiz but in real life. Name the Five Venoms to Reveal Your Worst Personality Trait.
  4. It’s campy as hell! The blood looks like candle wax, the sound effects are hilarious and the acting is subpar with a lot of grimacing. On the other hand, the torture scenes were so creative. Did you know you can murder someone with just 5 sheets of paper towels?

This movie didn’t change any perspective I had and it didn’t make me sympathize with a group of people. It was just fun and exactly what I needed at this time.

 

Final review: 5/5

Up next: A Man Escaped

 

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#347- Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Quick recap: A group of students navigate a year of high school without much regard to actual learning.

Fun (?) fact: Before he was the lovable scamp we know today, Nicholas Cage got on everyone’s nerves during the shooting of Fast Times at Ridgemont High. He bragged about his famous uncle Francis Ford Coppola and declared he would be more famous than anyone else. He finally shut up when people started doing Apocalypse Now impressions around him.

My thoughts: As much as I’d like to say I was the Spicoli, Stacy or Linda of my high school, in all actuality I most closely identified with Brad’s friend, Arnold. He was the one listening to Brad’s problems and trying to be cool but instead  just ended up burning the hamburger patties and taking a restroom break at the worst possible time. Watching Fast Times at Ridgemont High as a teenager, I never could shake the feeling that I was doing it all wrong. Not that I wanted to get pregnant or show up stoned to class, but there was a part of me that yearned for a quintessential high school experience American cinema had taught me was so important to have.

As an adult who has finally learned that there is no such thing as normal, I can finally embrace this movie for what it is: a teenage fairy tale. Maybe it’s not all that realistic, but it sure is entertaining and definitely captured the 80s spirit I pretend to know anything about. Thinking back on the various high school movies I’ve watched on this list alone, I think I’d much rather attend Ridgemont High than say the high school in Grease, American Graffiti or the Breakfast Club. The kids are just as nuts but at least they feel and talk like real teenagers.

In a way, Fast Times at Ridgemont High is kind of a depressing movie.

Stacy- loses virginity to guy much older than her and then gets knocked up by a guy who doesn’t care about her

Spicoli- constantly embarrassed by his History teacher

Mark- his best friend sleeps and knocks up the girl he is in love with

And the list goes on. But through a different lens, these are all seen as typical teenage problems and nothing to be too concerned with. After all, being an American teenager just means having the most traumatic things happen to you but it’s cool because summer is almost here! Maybe I made the right decision in staying out of drama after all.

Final review: 5/5

Up next: A Man Escaped

#346- The Right Stuff

Quick recap: The mostly true story of America’s first astronauts. And Chuck Yeager, because why not?

Someday, someone will make a 3 hour tour de force about New Kids on the Block and that will be the day no other movie will need to exist.

Fun (?) fact: The astronaut suits were made of leftover fabric and pieces from Cher’s costumes.

fabulous.

My thoughts: I had every intention of loving The Right Stuff, but in the end I just couldn’t do it. What’s not to love, you ask. It’s historical, there are great performances, the music is spectacular and above all, JEFF GOLDBLUM.

I think what ultimately bored me was a lack of suspense. I know, it’s history, and I’m certainly glad director Philip Kaufman didn’t just add an explosion for the hell of it. But there has to be something more than:

a) John Glenn’s wife having a stutter and vice president Johnson wanting to meet with her

b) Gordo being the very last astronaut to go up in space

c) Alan Shapard really needing to pee

d) Gus’s hatch blowing off…..or did it?

John Glenn’s malfunction was the only heartstopping part of the movie, which lasted for 3 hours, mind you. It’s an interesting story, sure. But just not worth my time. Now, with the Chuck Yeager b plot, I have no idea why he was thrown in there but I’m glad he was. I would’ve gladly spent hours watching a biography about him, but only if Sam Shepard can play him. That man can do no wrong in my eyes. Aside from the Yeager throwaways, the movie felt disjointed as a whole. There were really silly comedic parts and avant garde camera shots that just didn’t match with the historical tone of the movie. Pick a lane and stick with it, Kaufman. Movies aren’t meant to be a buffet.

Final review: 3/5

Up next: Fast Times at Ridgemont High

 

#345- Three Colors: Blue

Quick recap: A woman’s husband and child are killed in a car accident and she must learn how to navigate this new life without them.

yes, there was actually a lot of the color blue in the movie

Fun (?) fact: The scene where Julie scraped her knuckles along a stone wall was real. Actress Juliette Binoche didn’t think a prosthetic hand looked real enough so she went full badass and did it herself.

I know she’s in a deep depression, but ordering coffee and then pouring it over ice cream is PERFECT

My thoughts: I knew this movie would be sad but I didn’t expect it to cut so deep. It’s a sadness that settled into me and took awhile to shake off after the credits were over. But Blue is also a beautiful film and actually hopeful in the end, even if only marginally so.

It is impossible to do this movie justice because the visuals are so rich. It’s not a dialogue-heavy film anyway and it doesn’t need to be. I’ve never been through grief like the main character but watching her try to continue on seemed so familiar. There aren’t any scenes of her completely losing it, like you would expect. Instead, there’s a pushing down of emotions that somehow make it all the more depressing to watch, like her swimming in the pool and crying.

The score plays a huge part in this film, if not the most important part. Julie’s late husband was a composer, although it turns out to have been her writing most pieces. He also had a mistress who shows up pregnant towards the end of the movie. It feels weird saying I disagree with Julie’s decision to house the mistress and finish the symphony because this is such a personal story. It’s like it actually happened, as if I watched a woman’s grief in real time. And when someone has lost as much as Julie, what else is there to say or do?

Final review: 5/5

Up next: The Right Stuff