#409- Solaris

Quick recap: A psychologist is sent into space to check on a few astronauts who have basically lost their minds.

The Brain Ocean was mesmerizing but honestly I get the same effect when I use a LUSH bath bomb.

Fun (?) fact: Two notable people who disliked this film: the director himself, Andrei Tarkovsky and the author of the book ‘Solaris’, Stanislaw Lem. Lem is known for using humor and satire in his novels and said he did not write the story about ‘erotic problems in space’.

I’m getting more of a 90s rave vibe than futuristic astronaut

Thoughts and observations:

Mixing Sci-Fi and Horror is a sure way to get me pumped about any movie. Since I don’t do any research prior to viewing, all I knew was the title was Solaris, which sounds menacing enough. I watched the first half hour glued to the screen, seeing everything as a clue for whatever lurks on the space station. I filed away every tiny detail, from the boy being scared of a horse to the 10 MINUTE driving scene, expecting a fully satisfying reveal. I think the scene where Kris Kelvin asks when liftoff would happen as the camera pans to a dark sky and the scientist replies that he’s already in space was the exact point I decided to lower my expectations.

As is explained in the beginning of the film (I think), Solaris is a planet that is also an ocean and the ocean is actually a brain. And everyone has just decided that this is a thing and it’s a little weird but fine. Meanwhile, astronauts keep getting sent up there only to report about crazy hallucinations they are having, instead of the Brain Ocean they are supposed to be studying. Kris Kelvin has been tasked to go into space and figure out why everyone keeps dying or going insane. Almost immediately after landing and walking around, he starts seeing ‘guests’, which are basically the Brain Ocean’s way of communicating? They look like real people but they aren’t. Instead, the Ocean invades people’s thoughts and dreams and creates a physical manifestation. One scientist I think had children, and the other was some Little Person. Kelvin, on the other hand, wins the jackpot and gets a manifestation of his wife, who died by suicide 10 years prior.

If you are still thinking that all of these elements surely lead into some kind of horror trope like I was, go ahead and be disappointed. Solaris is more philosophical than anything else. It explores what being a person is and how our minds store memories. For example, Kelvin says he loves his wife, Hari, but admits that he didn’t really love her when they were together. Does this manifestation bring about his true thoughts or is the manifestation only what he wanted his actual wife to be? Space is just about the only setting for this setup, yet there are many times I forgot that they were even on another planet. Most of the time it just felt like a typical haunted house, except the ghosts were mildly annoying people. Hari’s character was the most interesting to me, as she started out glued to Kelvin (because it was basically his thought after all) and eventually learned to be separate, although never an actual real person.

There is a ‘twist’ at the end that I liked and for once I won’t spoil it here. It wasn’t scary, but eerie instead and about as close to a payoff to all that ‘suspense’ I kept thinking I noticed.

Watchability score: 3/5. I’m wavering at a 4 because this movie has been on my mind a lot after watching it, but I don’t want to rewatch any time soon.

Up next: Cyclo

#390- The Nutty Professor

Quick recap: Professor Kelp is tired of being bullied by everyone so he creates a potion to turn him into a stronger version of himself. What emerges instead is Buddy Love- a handsome but absolute jerk of a person.

Is it weird that the pigtails turned me off more than Professor Kelp’s nerdy look?

Fun (?) fact: Here’s some hot 1960s gossip for you: Buddy Love was apparently based off of Jerry Lewis’ partner Dean Martin. What a scoop!

Baby Professor Kelp is the most offensive part of the movie. Fight me

Thoughts and Observations:

As my ten-year-old put it, ‘ That movie was………something. Not what I expected at all’. And to be fair, I agree wholeheartedly with him. When I suggested watching the movie together I roped him in by saying it was a light comedy. I think my exact words were, ‘It’s got NUTTY in the title! You can’t go wrong with that!’

It didn’t take long at all to realize how very wrong I was. The meanness of the bullies in the film didn’t bother me as much as I thought they would, which was surprising. Lewis worked hard to make sure everything was over the top in that regard. If I had to put my finger on it, I guess I felt mostly annoyed at the character of Professor Kelp more than sympathetic. Sure, the Dean of the college could’ve been nicer but this guy just blew a hole through a classroom on top of constantly letting football players stuff him into cabinets. And then there is the matter of Kelp having a mad crush on his student Stella, who looks 35 but wears pigtails for some unknown reason. I was so relieved when it came time for the transformation to happen because no matter what emerged, it had to be better than Kelp.

And here comes the second time I can admit being wrong- what emerged was not in fact better. Buddy Love, Kelp’s alter ego, may have been better looking but he was an absolute jerk to everyone, including his crush. Sure, Love could sing well and had a presence that made girls swoon but he was so awful. I did eventually have sympathy when Love transformed back to Kelp in front of everyone at the dance and admitted how awful both parts of him were. It was a really touching scene in a movie filled with so many cringeworthy moments.

The 1001 movies book that I get my research from made an excellent point that in some ways, Jerry Lewis playing Professor Kelp vs Buddy Love was showing Lewis’ public vs private side. The entertainer in different forms, so to speak. I don’t know much about Lewis to comment but I think that theme is one that almost anyone can relate to, to some extent.

Watchability score: I’ll go with 3/5 although my son would give it a 2.

Up next: Gallipoli

 

#278- The Fly

Quick recap: National treasure Jeff Goldblum plays Sam Brundle, an eccentric scientist who accidentally turns himself into a human-fly hybrid.

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Fun (?) fact: In a deleted scene, Brundle fuses together a cat and baboon and is so disgusted with the creation that he  beats the animal to death with a pipe. Producer Stuart Cornfeld said, ‘If you beat an animal to death, even a monkey-cat, your audience is not gonna be interested in your problems anymore.’

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National treasure, you guys

My thoughts: I’ve made some really bad choices when it comes to guys I’ve dated, but at the very least I can say I’ve never fallen for an eccentric scientist who fuses his DNA with a fly and then impregnates me with his Maybe Fly Spawn. I’m a mess, but not Geena Davis in The Fly kind of a mess. So, there’s that inspiration.

I was warned by my husband that his movie was super gross and I should maybe rethink watching it. Boy, was he right! It didn’t start off disgusting, and I got kind of bored after awhile with the build up. But then, there was a scene where Brundle peeled off his fingernails and I almost lost it. It all went downhill from there. The Fly didn’t terrify me, but it stuck with me in a way most movies won’t. Even now, almost a week after watching it, I’ll randomly think of the scene where Brundle vomits on his food to liquify it and it will make me queasy. In that sense, The Fly is a perfect example of a horror film.

Vincent Price, who was in the original Fly loved the remake but thought it went a little too far at the end. Totally agreed. I think a good stopping point would’ve been the nightmare of giving birth to the Fly Spawn or when BrundleFly detailed how he ate his food. But all that stuff of him trying to kill the ex-boyfriend and then fusing himself with the teleporter was just over the top for me. I still felt sorry for him in a way, kind of, but I would’ve had no problems killing that mess at the end. And can we talk for just a second about Geena Davis’ character, Veronica? That girl has issues. She dated a jerk of a guy and then immediately fell for this eccentric weirdo. I mean, I guess he was cute, but him drunkenly teleporting himself because he was jealous would’ve been it for me. But not for Veronica. She kept coming by, even when he had completely turned insane and terrifying. She couldn’t have seen this coming but geez, girl, get some standards.

The Cronenberg Universe in Rick and Morty makes so much more sense now

The Cronenberg Universe in Rick and Morty makes so much more sense now

Final review: 3/5. I wavered on this one, almost giving it a 4 but I’ll be too scarred to eat donuts for quite awhile.

Up next: HORRORFEST

 

#273- Vinyl

Quick recap: Andy Warhol’s ‘interpretation’ of the Anthony Burgess novel, ‘A Clockwork Orange’

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I feel like this picture wrongfully implies that the film had badass moments

Fun (?) fact: This is more ‘painfully obvious’ than ‘fun fact’, but Vinyl was filmed unrehearsed.

My thoughts: Vinyl is like that very brief time in my life when I thought I was an actor. I did theatre in middle school and mostly liked it, until my very last play when, for whatever reason, I didn’t memorize my lines at all. The result was as horrible and embarrassing as you could possibly imagine and STILL, STILL the show wasn’t as bad as this movie.

There are only two redeeming parts about Vinyl: the music was good and the film itself was only about 70 minutes long. It was a very hard 70 minutes to sit through, but I might’ve had to check myself into a mental institution had it gone on any longer. That picture I posted above? That was the entire scenery for the movie. Seriously. At one point, the character Victor gets into a fight with another character who I think was called ‘Scum Baby’ and then he sits in a chair for the rest of the movie as a cop interrogates him and now I’ve just literally described the entirety of the movie. How does this even happen? How did Andy Warhol, one of the most ‘out there’ artists read ‘A Clockwork Orange’, and think to himself, ‘What if I just had the main character mumble through his lines and then dance around a bit and then just sit in a chair while everyone listlessly moves around him? This will be the most faithful interpretation yet!’

But of course he didn’t think that. I don’t know what his reason for making this garbage was, but it’s art, so it’s supposed to mean something, right? I’ve always loved modern art because while it angers some people to see a rope lying on the ground that’s worth a million dollars, I think it’s brilliant. And for everyone who says, ‘That canvas painted black is stupid. I could’ve painted that,’ I say to them, ‘yeah, well, you didn’t.’ But art house movies are different because I can’t just walk away. I’m forced to sit through them and then spend time trying to figure out the point and then realize that maybe there is no point and why am I not out there producing stuff like this and making a ton of money. But then I realize that the only different between something cringeworthy posted on Youtube and this, is that one is directed by Andy Warhol. That’s it.

Final review: 1/5.

Up next: Enter the Dragon