Category Archives: Movies

#213- The Bird with the Crystal Plumage

Quick recap: A man witnesses a woman being stabbed and observes something ‘off’ about the assault. He takes it upon himself to solve the case, all the while trying to remember the one detail that will solve everything.

*SPOILER ALERT* It wasn't the bird

*SPOILER ALERT* It wasn’t the bird

Fun (?) fact: There is no such thing as a bird with crystal plumage. Playing the part in the movie is your common household Grey Crowned Crane.

A woman is being stabbed! Now is not the time for your mime routine, Sam.

A woman is being stabbed! Now is not the time for your mime routine, Sam.

My thoughts: Although this movie is listed as horror, it’s really more of a thriller. There’s nothing supernatural or paranormal- just some person killing a lot of people. In that respect, I guess Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer and Silence of the Lambs aren’t really horror movies, either, but they have more frightening moments than this one. Bird with the Crystal Plumage starts with a person in a black trench coat taking pictures of women. A little creepy, I guess. And then a few moments later the main character, Sam, sees what he thinks is a woman being stabbed. She writhes on the floor covered in blood, and because it’s an art gallery where the doors are pieces of art and can’t open, Sam can’t do anything about it. When the police come, they question him because it’s all really suspicious. It is then revealed that the city has a serial killer and this is one of the victims. At that point, the movie no longer became scary and actually not even interesting because I figured out the ending way before I was supposed to. Suck it, Encyclopedia Brown!

As is usually the case, it was the minor details of the movie that ultimately ruined it for me. It made sense that the police questioned Sam extensively and even took away his passport because he was a valuable witness. It did not make sense, however, to let him take a tour of the forensic lab and give him a how to on evidence. Nor did it make sense to give him details and photographs of the case and expensive equipment just in case the killer called him. I don’t watch many crime shows so maybe this is a thing, but I imagine that it’s generally not a good idea to make your star witness also a detective.

Regarding the serial killer, it turns out that it was the woman Sam saw getting stabbed that night. What really happened, is that she was trying to stab her husband, as serial killers are wont to do, and somehow stabbed herself? That part wasn’t very clear. If so, she kind of sucked at her job. Her husband also helped kill people or something, but some scientist guy explained at the end that he was under some psychosis and didn’t do it on purpose. And not to be sexist, but once I realized that the killer was a woman, I stopped being even a little frightened. Her laugh at the end was supposed to be scary but it came off as annoying. Seriously, focus on stabbing and stop laughing about it and MAYBE you would have a higher body count. It really shouldn’t be that difficult. As for how the bird fits into all of this, Sam’s friend is some bird scientist and heard a bird sound when the killer called him. He really built up the whole thing, saying it was a very rare species only found in one part of the world, but that there was one in Italy. ‘Where??’, everyone wondered out loud and after a dramatic pause, the man said, ‘the zoo!’, and everyone rushed off excitedly. Sometimes it makes you wonder where the line is that separates ‘good’ movies from those perfect for Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Final review: 1/5. I could see it as a midnight showing with a small cult following, but that’s about it.

Up next: the final film for Horrorfest

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#212- Suspiria

Quick recap: A young woman joins a prestigious ballet academy and realizes she should have done some research first about all of those murders.

With a place as red as this, you'd be crazy NOT to do all of your murdering here

With a place as red as this, you’d be crazy NOT to do all of your murdering here

Fun (?) fact: The director’s original idea was for the ballet academy to host little girls, but when he noticed the horrified looks on the crews’ faces, he decided to change the characters to women. Not wanting to exert any extra effort because let’s face it, writing in all of those murders takes a huge chunk of your time, the director kept all of the dialogue as is.

death by barbed wire, totally appropriate for little girls!

death by barbed wire, totally appropriate for little girls!

My thoughts: On my ever-changing, wildly biased and sometimes inaccurate list of monsters that scare me, witches tend to rank at the bottom. With the exception of the Blair Witch Project, witches seem more cool to me than scary. Not saying I advocate murder, but I like the idea of being able to cast whatever spells I want and get people to do my bidding. And if you know me, you know I have TONS of bidding that needs to be done. The witches in Suspiria (SPOILER ALERT: They are witches) fall more in the ‘scary’ spectrum than ‘not scary’, but I’m still not convinced I should be fearing for my life.

If you are someone who loves gory stuff, Suspiria is perfect for that sort of thing. There are many wonderfully bloody deaths from the get-go, which kept the plot interesting but didn’t really freak me out. The manner of deaths were also creative, which gave the witches a chance to show off. What impressed me about the film was that it was the little details that stuck with me, such as the creepy little boy and the maggots raining on all of the girls’ heads (that part wasn’t so little, I suppose). The color in the movie was also very off-putting. It reminded me of an old technicolor movie, but more vivid hues and less eye sores. Of everything mentioned though, it was the musical score that creeped me out the most. It’s hard to describe, but it totally sounds like a horror movie soundtrack. The director apparently played the score while filming and it even creeped out the actors.

The one drawback to the film is the acting. As mentioned before, the director didn’t feel like editing the script after changing the characters, so the dialogue seems weirdly childish. It didn’t bother me too much, but it also meant that I wasn’t very invested in the characters. I won’t give away the ending, but when Suzy figures out the academy’s secret purpose, I realized that I didn’t really care one way or another if she lived or died. There was never any background on her and it just seemed like if they didn’t kill her, it would be some other unlucky ballerina. On the other hand, the witches killing whomever they liked made the movie slightly scarier than if they just targeted her.

Final review: 4/5. Worth watching if you love horror movies

Up next: HorrorFest!

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#211- Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer

Quick recap: Henry is a serial killer with a heart of gold.

…..That’s pretty much all it’s about, honestly.

Michael Rooker (Henry) looks like a cross between Heath Ledger and Lyle Lovett. Squint a little and you can totally see it.

Michael Rooker (Henry) looks like a cross between Heath Ledger and Lyle Lovett. Squint a little and you can totally see it.

Fun (?) fact: Lots of good trivia on this movie, but my favorite is that the music was mixed in a studio run by a group of Christian rock and roll guys. They weren’t amused when they learned the music was going towards a film so disturbing. IF you listen to the music, though, I don’t see what else it could have gone to besides a horror film.

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My thoughts: According to Netflix and my 1001 movies book, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer is one of the ‘most disturbing films of all time.’ Cue eye roll. Of the movies I have seen on this list so far, I would give the title of Most Disturbing to Funny Games because not only did it have gore, it also made the viewer an accomplice by breaking the fourth wall. I wasn’t scared in the least bit by Henry, but I can say I was adequately disturbed. Not overly so, but disturbed nonetheless.

For one thing, Henry is so different than the other serial killers pop culture knows. He doesn’t have a pattern or reason why he kills; he just does. Sometimes he is angry, sometimes it’s for revenge, sometimes it’s for fun and sometimes it’s because he’s had a bad day and what better way to relax than to break a hooker’s neck? There is a romance (and I use that term in the loosest since possible) plot and for awhile, I bought into it, thinking that Henry would settle down once he gets with this girl. NOPE. Some of the deaths were a little on the disturbing side, but the dead bodies didn’t seem all that realistic to me so that was a little underwhelming. Still, it was nice to have a killer that I actually hated for once and didn’t feel any sort of emotional attachment to.

One of the other things that caught my attention with this movie is that it doesn’t have a happy ending. I won’t spoil what happens for once, but it’s definitely not happy. Which I like, because horror movies that end with everything back to normal kind of sucks the fun out of the whole thing. This one wants you to feel as uncomfortable as possible with your surroundings. The director deliberately left out any reference to cops or anything because he wanted the audience to feel like this is a lawless place, where killers are allowed to roam free. Add to that, this movie barely has a plot. Most of the time it’s just Henry meeting someone and then killing them in some way. In the beginning, I was hopeful that someone was going to do something about all of this but by the end I had pretty much accepted my fate and knew that no character was safe.

It's set in Chicago, a town not normally known for having a bunch of murders.

It’s set in Chicago, a town not normally known for having a bunch of murders.

Final review: This was a tough one because although I appreciate what the movie was trying to accomplish, I just didn’t really enjoy it. It was disturbing in all of the wrong ways (incest, for example). 2/5

Up next: HorrorFest!

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#210- Rosemary’s Baby

Quick (recap): A woman (Rosemary) unwittingly births the anti-christ.

such a touching moment....capturing what all mothers look like when gazing upon their children for the first time.

such a touching moment….capturing what all mothers look like when gazing upon their children for the first time.

Fun (?) fact: Let’s play Six Degrees of Evil! Ready? Ok, so Roman Polanski directed Rosemary’s Baby. A year later, his wife Sharon Tate was murdered by the Manson Family. Charles Manson titled the killing spree, ‘Helter Skelter’, after a Beatles song. One of the Beatles, John Lennon, stayed in the apartment where this movie was filmed. He is also responsible for writing the song ‘Dear Prudence’, about Mia Farrow’s (Rosemary’s) sister. Bam! Thanks to whoever at IMDb figured that one out.

yes, she was getting assaulted by satan at this time, but nonetheless, this looks very comfortable

yes, she was getting assaulted by satan at this time, but nonetheless, this looks very comfortable

My thoughts: America, you confuse me. Many of you refused to see The Exorcist, on the grounds that it was blasphemous. Which, sure, I could see that with the dialogue of the demon. But he was a DEMON and the Catholic church came and cast him out and good won. So, if anything it is a very religious movie. And then you have Rosemary’s Baby, which doesn’t have near the same hatred as The Exorcist, even though it involves the birth of satan’s son. What gives? Personally, this movie was much more creepy to me than The Exorcist and had a downer of an ending, which I always appreciate in horror films. Add to that, all of the real life stuff that went on a year later with Sharon Tate and Charles Manson and you have a damn good scary movie.

Well, scary in theory, at least. Most of the film is a slow build up where the audience knows what is going on, but the main character doesn’t. She figures it out at some point, but it’s very hard to grasp that your husband has made a deal with your witch neighbors to have satan rape you and impregnate you with his spawn. That’s years of marriage counseling right there. The ending, as Rosemary tries to escape is exciting as well as ultimately futile. What I loved most about this film is how far Rosemary goes to protect her unborn child, not knowing that she is essentially protecting evil and the eventual destruction of Earth. It’s kind of hard to predict these things, although I suspect an ultrasound might have picked something up, if it had been around in the 60s.

My one complaint about the film is how the devil worshippers are portrayed in the end. All of the ‘hail satan!’s were a little on the campy side, as well as the choice to put the demon baby in an all black bassinet. It was a little overkill. I mean, obviously he is the son of satan, but do we to be reminded of it every second?It was a little disappointing not to get a good look at the baby, but knowing this crew, he was probably decked out in devil horns, a pitchfork and an Iron Maiden onesie.

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Final review: 4/5. Quite scary!

Up next: HorrorFest continues!

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