#110- If…

Quick recap: A private school in England is filled with cruel prefects and delinquent students who later take their revenge by murdering a ton of people. It’s a jolly good romp!

The guy on the right looks about 40, but I vowed to not let it bother me.

Fun (?) fact: Malcolm McDowell had a crush on his female costar and and asked the director if there could be a nude scene for her. The directer said yes, but only if the girl (Christine Noonan) said yes. Her reply? ‘I don’t mind.’

Before clothes came off. They pretended to be tigers or something? I didn’t really get it.

My thoughts: I wasn’t really sure what to expect going into this movie. It was rated X, which I think is my first on this list and is listed as an allegory as well as satire. Okay, then. I was so excited to see Malcolm McDowell as the lead role because I loved him in A Clockwork Orange, where he also played a delinquent teen. The first scene is of him arriving to school in a *gasp* mustache! That’s… kind of delinquent? The British have a much different view of what ‘rated x’ means than I do, apparently.

The movie switches back and forth between color and black and white, which led me to spend the entire time trying to figure out the symbolism. This is an allegory after all, so I knew there was some reason. My first hypothesis was that the black and white was fantasy and the color was reality but towards the end it seemed like the opposite might be true. I finally looked up the answer and it turns out that there is NO reason at all. The director just wanted random shots of black and white to distort the viewer. Great job, because I was totally distorted.

My main issue with this movie lies in the fact that it is supposed to be a satire of private schools and yet nothing really seemed over the top. One of the punishments involved making the boys stand in a cold shower for two minutes which sounds bad but not what I would consider cruel. My bias might have to do with the other massive amounts of pop culture depicting private schools in England being hellish. The prefects are mean but to be fair the three main boys spend their time getting drunk, stealing motorcycles and having sex on the floor of a coffeeshop with a random girl. And then there’s the mass shooting. I guess it comes down to the idea that I was supposed to root for Travis (Malcolm McDowell) and the other boys, but I didn’t much care for them.

If.. is supposed to be seen as a link between realist films coming out of England at the time, to the zany British humor we all know and love today. The scene where the boys kill the priest who later pops up in a box to be apologized to was reminiscent of some of the scenes in Brazil. Overall, though, I either didn’t get the satire or I have seen it done much better.

Final review: 2/5. Seriously, if you have to switch between black and white and color, make up a reason!

Up next: Texas Chainsaw Massacre, which I’ll be watching at the Alamo Drafthouse. Can’t wait for this one!

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#109- Winter Light

Quick recap: Everybody is sad. Super sad, you guys.

No one has ever had it worse than me. Am I right, Jesus?

Fun (?) fact: Director Ingmar Bergman’s favorite film from his career. He says that Winter Light was the most personal for him and helped him realize who he was during the filming. Which makes this movie even more sad.

Seriously, just Google this movie and you will see that all of the images are of the characters being sad.

My thoughts: I keep using ‘sad’ as a descriptor for the mood of Winter Light, but I really should be using words like ‘depressing’ , ‘existential’ and ‘I hope I have enough beers to make it through this movie’. In all fairness, I do normally enjoy movies that don’t end happily because such is life. But this movie was sad from the very beginning. I mean, it is called Winter Light, which is the perfectly depressing name for a movie.

Visually, the movie is beautiful. The use of black and white was the perfect choice for such a dreary film, and although they made me uncomfortable, I liked the close ups. It made the mood all the more depressing, but that was the point of the film so you might as well drive it home, you know? Especially impressive was the 6 minute shot of Tomas reading Marta’s letter. It is simply her looking right at the camera, and speaking the contents of the letter.

The story itself, of a priest going through an existential crisis is understandably a heavy subject. I get the feeling that Bergman didn’t create Winter Light (which is actually part of a series) as a date night movie, or something to make out to. Although I’m sure that there are plenty of people out there who would be into that sort of thing. Moving on. The plot is pretty straightforward and I don’t think it is any surprise that when the priest, Tomas, is unable to successfully counsel Jonas, Jonas kills himself. Like I said, if you are going for bleak, might as well go full force. Although this was a short movie, it is one that should be taken in small doses or at least through several sittings to truly grasp all that is going on. Not me, of course, but you guys go ahead and knock yourselves out.

now there’s a priest with a true existential crisis

I don’t think it’s possible to have a ‘favorite part’ because it’s just not that sort of movie, but I was extremely interested in the discussion of Christ at the end of the movie. Algot, one of the members of the church, counsels Tomas after he has renounced his faith and brings up the point that everyone focuses on the physical suffering of Jesus. He goes on to say that instead, people should look at all the betrayals that He suffered including praying to God while He was near death, and not getting a response. Algot ends with the opinion that God’s Silence is worse than anything else. Like I said, heavy stuff.

Final review: 3/5. Wouldn’t watch again, but if you are looking for your own existential crisis (come on, who isn’t these days?), then this is the movie for you.

Up next: If….

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#108- Sergeant York

Quick recap: This movie is the real life story of Alvin C. York, a young wild Appalachian turned Christian turned war hero.

real life Alvin C. York

Fun (?) fact: Alvin York agreed to a movie of his life on 3 conditions- 1) profits would go to a Bible school he wanted built 2) no cigarette smoking actress would play his wife and 3) only Gary Cooper could play him.

So directors went with a real life 15 year old to play the wife and kiss a 40 year old.

My thoughts: Before I start my snark on this movie (and believe me, there will be snark. SOO much snark), let me just say that the real Alvin York is a badass. He led an attack during World War I that killed 23 Germans and captured 132 of them. And he did this with help from only 7 other men. He’s a hero, plain and simple. Now, onto the snark!

My issue with Sergeant York lies solely with Gary Cooper. That Gary Cooper that I absolutely fawned over last time. It surprised me to learn how many people consider this movie his best role because I thought it was awful. Maybe my ire is directed towards Cooper because of his god awful redneck accent or his portrayal of a simple minded man, but I think the biggest problem with this role is Cooper’s age.

It happens all the time: actors playing characters much younger than themselves. Sometimes it works, but most of the time it’s just creepy. And for me, when the age difference is so big, it distracts from the entire movie. The real Alvin York was 30 when he fought in the war but Cooper is over 40 and he looks it.The first scene with Cooper has him in overalls, running all over the countryside like an idiot. We are supposed to believe he is in his 20s but the effect is more of something like Forrest Gump, who you just feel sorry for. It should be noted that many people who made the movie also thought Cooper was too old to play York but York refused to sign over the rights to his story unless he got to choose who played him. Which is fair, I suppose. If anyone made a movie out of my life I’d choose Jennifer Lawrence. Or maybe Betty White because she is hilarious.

The movie itself is your typical patriotic war movie. Sergeant York was released in 1941, right around the time of Pearl Harbor. There are reports that after watching the movie, young men ran and signed up to serve in the war effort. The story follows the American Dream perfectly: a young, poor wild man finds God and with divine intervention, becomes a war hero. The only thing that would’ve made this movie more patriotic would’ve been a bald eagle in every shot.

Final review: 2/5. be forewarned that if I have to sit through this movie again, I’m just going to end up yelling , ‘He’s, like, 40!’ for two hours straight.

Up next: The Harder They Come or Winter Light

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#107- Stalker

Quick recap: A guide takes two desperate men into a dangerous place called The Zone, which grants your innermost wish.

Where dreams come true!

Fun (?) fact: Supposedly, 3 members of the crew died from chemical contamination while shooting this movie in Estonia.

My thoughts: Not only is this movie in Russian, but it is over 2 1/2 hours long which means I wasn’t jumping for joy at the prospect of watching Stalker. Nonetheless, I threw on my pajamas, poured a drink and settled in. And you know what, you guys? It wasn’t that bad. I think I’ve finally realized that many of the movies I fear watching turn out to be the most interesting and the ones I get excited about let me down in some way. Especially Psycho which I am still in recovery from my disappointment.

The colorization (I’m sure that’s not the technical term) of the film is what stands out the most for me. The beginning of the movie up until the men entering The Zone has a sepia tone to it, much like the beginning of The Wizard of Oz. The Zone is gorgeous, in a ‘zombies from a nuclear disaster are about to eat my face’ way. Throughout the film, as The Stalker reminisces about something or recites a poem, the color shifts back into the sepia tone. It was a great use of symbolism to contrast the real world with that of dreams.

There’s also that

While the Stalker takes The Writer and The Professor to The Room (side note: I really appreciate these names because it would be too difficult to keep up with all the Russian names), he mentions a previous stalker who went by the name ‘Porcupine’. Porcupine eventually took his own brother to The Zone but then let him die. When porcupine entered the room he begged for his brother back but when he got home he was instead made filthy rich. A week later, he hanged himself. As the Stalker points out, The Room only grants your innermost wish, not your conscious one. I thought this was a novel take on the ‘wishes’ trope and also a pretty good commentary about the minds of people.

My husband found out before I watched the movie that Stalker was loosely used as inspiration for the video game S.T.A.L.K.E.R. It makes sense because of the Zone being fraught with danger. None of the traps are visible and may not even be real, but there are certainly some spooky things that happened that made the movie a little disconcerting at times, like when the men finally get to The Room and a random phone starts ringing or the various military equipment scattered about from a failed invasion. In the end, after trekking through this dangerous place, the men end up not entering The Room after all as they learn to be careful what you wish for (which I too learned back in 4th grade from reading a Goosebumps book).

Final review: 3/5. Interesting, but not worth sitting through again. Overall, the movie was too heavy with philosophical dialogue but if you are just itching to watch something like that, you might enjoy it.

Up next: Sergeant York

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