#242- Once Upon a Time in China

Quick recap: It’s about Imperialism! FINALLY. That’s been my go to response for classic literature since high school and now finally, I’m right. Also, there’s a bunch of fighting.

If I tried this, I would just end up setting myself on fire or something

Fun (?) fact: Jet-Li’s voice had to be dubbed over because he speaks Mandarin, not Cantonese.

If you like Piña Coladas and doing Tai-Chi on the beach….

My thoughts: My experience with Martial arts consists of a solitary Tae Kwon Do class I took back in college. I’ve never been athletically inclined and this class put that fact in the spotlight.One time, my partner wasn’t there so the teacher practiced with me. I had practiced outside of class and when I asked him if I was doing the move right, he shook his head sadly and walked away. Some might call that unprofessional but I’m afraid that if he encouraged me, I might’ve ended up accidentally killing someone while attempting a roundhouse kick. He was right to do it.

There’s definitely a plot in Once Upon a Time in China, but good luck trying to figure it all out. I watched with my husband, who knows these kinds of movies and I’m surprised he didn’t pack his things and move out because of all the times I kept asking who the bad guys were. From what I gather, there is the hero Wong Fei Hung, who is in several of these movies and I think he is the leader of a group of guys who fight for good. There’s a bad-ish gang as well as another bad guy who I don’t think is associated with anyone else. And then there are the British and Americans, who are taking the Chinese and selling them into slavery. Basically, everyone fights everyone at some point in the film and I think that’s all you really need to know to get by.

The fighting scenes were impressive, even though there were a lot of wires used. I don’t get the hatred some people have for special effects like this. These are the same people who go to museums and complain that they could’ve created the same kind of art and sold it for millions of dollars. Yeah, you could’ve buddy, but you didn’t. Any kind of fighting requires physical stamina that most people don’t have. They don’t just strap you to wires and leave you to fly around, looking flawless. I was also impressed with the humor used during the fight scenes. There was plenty of graphic violence to go around, but a lot of the fighting looked like the 3 Stooges.

Final review: 2/5. Enjoyable, but not really my thing. My opinion might change with more opportunities to watch this genre, though.

Up next: Rio Bravo or E.T

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#235- Blonde Cobra

Quick recap: A man becomes many different characters and looks at himself in the mirror a lot.

There are many layers of crazy in a movie that is only 30 minutes long

Fun (?) fact: Jack Smith, who acted in Blonde Cobra, influenced Andy Warhol’s films as well as John Waters.

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My thoughts: I have no idea what I watched. No clue whatsoever. And after reading up a bit on the film’s meaning, I don’t think Jack Smith or director Ken Jacobs were really going for anything other than doing something experimental. And if that was truly their goal, great job, you guys! You surpassed it by a mile.

But seriously, what the hell did I just watch? Most of Blonde Cobra is Smith making weird noises, singing off-key, and telling weird, shocking stories that don’t really have a point. There are also various audio recordings played throughout, which further add to the madness. There were a few parts that stuck with me, like the quote, ‘why shave when I can’t think of a reason for living?’ so it’s not completely devoid of meaning. At times, it seemed like Smith was descending into madness, or maybe at home he felt less inhibited (he was a self-identified ‘queer muse’) so this was his way of being himself. And you know what? I dig it. This short film is as weird as it gets, but I kind of liked sitting back for a half hour without the pressure of trying to figure out a deeper meaning. It’s Art, man. I’m not sure if this was the takeaway, but watching Blonde Cobra made me realize that not everything has to make sense all of the time.

BCobra

FInal review: 2/5. Go check it out on Youtube, although it is very explicit and messed up.

Up next: Memento

#227-Now, Voyager

Quick recap: Charlotte Vale is a Crazy Cat Lady without any cats. On the verge of a mental breakdown because her mother is basically the worst, her doctor at a sanatarium helps her come out of her shell. While on a voyage, Charlotte meets Jerry Durrance who is handsome, sweet and also married. The two have a very heavy affair and at the end of the trip, decide to part ways. As anyone who has ever been in love can testify, that’s easier said than done.

You can never go wrong with a makeover montage! Too bad they weren’t around when this movie was made.

Fun (?) fact: People went nuts after seeing Paul Henreid’s act of lighting two cigarettes. He couldn’t go out in public without someone asking him to light one for them.

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Cancer is sexy as hell

My thoughts: Makeover scenes in movies generally make me cringe, but Now, Voyager takes it to a whole other level. I couldn’t decide which one was the worst: When a niece of Charlotte ridicules her during her nervous breakdown, or when the doctor breaks her glasses because she doesn’t need them now that she is ‘normal’ or when Charlotte shows Jerry a younger picture of herself to which he calls her the ‘fat lady with the heavy brows and all the hair’. But I guess women were cool with stuff like that back then because she fell in love with him shortly after. Damn, girl.

So, I’m torn with how I feel about Charlotte. Good for her for gaining all that confidence although the only thing that really did any good was getting a man. Later on in the film she breaks off an engagement to a guy because she isn’t feeling it, which is awesome, except that she still in love with Jerry, who is still married. I came around a little when Charlotte checked herself into the sanatorium when she feared another breakdown, until it became apparent she was only there to get close to Jerry’s depressed daughter, Tina. Damn ,girl.

different Tina

I guess the love Jerry and Charlotte had was cute, but the thing with Tina kind of ruined it for me. When she initially saw the girl at the sanitarium and befriended her, I thought that was kind of sweet, especially seeing as how the two had a lot in common. I was even into the scene where Charlotte helps Tina call her father because she missed him so much and I admired her for not jumping on the phone and declaring her love for him. But then that night, Tina had a nightmare and Charlotte went in and cuddled her. Still a little sweet until that voiceover when she spells out that she had her lover’s daughter in her arms. I cringed even more when Charlotte had the girl call her the pet name Jerry gave her on the voyage and then at the end when she admitted to Jerry that keeping the girl felt like she was raising ‘their’ child. Damn, girl.

Final review: 2/5

Up next: Duck Soup

#211- Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer

Quick recap: Henry is a serial killer ~~with a heart of gold~~.

…..That’s pretty much all it’s about, honestly.

Michael Rooker (Henry) looks like a cross between Heath Ledger and Lyle Lovett. Squint a little and you can totally see it.

Fun (?) fact: Lots of good trivia on this movie, but my favorite is that the music was mixed in a studio run by a group of Christian rock and roll guys. They weren’t amused when they learned the music was going towards a film so disturbing. IF you listen to the music, though, I don’t see what else it could have gone to besides a horror film.

My thoughts: According to Netflix and my 1001 movies book, Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer is one of the ‘most disturbing films of all time.’ Cue eye roll. Of the movies I have seen on this list so far, I would give the title of Most Disturbing to Funny Games because not only did it have gore, it also made the viewer an accomplice by breaking the fourth wall. I wasn’t scared in the least bit by Henry, but I can say I was adequately disturbed. Not overly so, but disturbed nonetheless.

For one thing, Henry is so different than the other serial killers pop culture knows. He doesn’t have a pattern or reason why he kills; he just does. Sometimes he is angry, sometimes it’s for revenge, sometimes it’s for fun and sometimes it’s because he’s had a bad day and what better way to relax than to break a hooker’s neck? There is a romance (and I use that term in the loosest since possible) plot and for awhile, I bought into it, thinking that Henry would settle down once he gets with this girl. NOPE. Some of the deaths were a little on the disturbing side, but the dead bodies didn’t seem all that realistic to me so that was a little underwhelming. Still, it was nice to have a killer that I actually hated for once and didn’t feel any sort of emotional attachment to.

One of the other things that caught my attention with this movie is that it doesn’t have a happy ending. I won’t spoil what happens for once, but it’s definitely not happy. Which I like, because horror movies that end with everything back to normal kind of sucks the fun out of the whole thing. This one wants you to feel as uncomfortable as possible with your surroundings. The director deliberately left out any reference to cops or anything because he wanted the audience to feel like this is a lawless place, where killers are allowed to roam free. Add to that, this movie barely has a plot. Most of the time it’s just Henry meeting someone and then killing them in some way. In the beginning, I was hopeful that someone was going to do something about all of this but by the end I had pretty much accepted my fate and knew that no character was safe.

It’s set in Chicago, a town not normally known for having a bunch of murders.

Final review: This was a tough one because although I appreciate what the movie was trying to accomplish, I just didn’t really enjoy it. It was disturbing in all of the wrong ways (incest, for example). 2/5

Up next: HorrorFest!

1001 Movie Nights

Tag Archives: 2/5

#242- Once Upon a Time in China

#235- Blonde Cobra

#227-Now, Voyager

#211- Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer

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