#213- The Bird with the Crystal Plumage

Quick recap: A man witnesses a woman being stabbed and observes something ‘off’ about the assault. He takes it upon himself to solve the case, all the while trying to remember the one detail that will solve everything.

*SPOILER ALERT* It wasn’t the bird

Fun (?) fact: There is no such thing as a bird with crystal plumage. Playing the part in the movie is your common household Grey Crowned Crane.

A woman is being stabbed! Now is not the time for your mime routine, Sam.

My thoughts: Although this movie is listed as horror, it’s really more of a thriller. There’s nothing supernatural or paranormal- just some person killing a lot of people. In that respect, I guess Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer and Silence of the Lambs aren’t really horror movies, either, but they have more frightening moments than this one. Bird with the Crystal Plumage starts with a person in a black trench coat taking pictures of women. A little creepy, I guess. And then a few moments later the main character, Sam, sees what he thinks is a woman being stabbed. She writhes on the floor covered in blood, and because it’s an art gallery where the doors are pieces of art and can’t open, Sam can’t do anything about it. When the police come, they question him because it’s all really suspicious. It is then revealed that the city has a serial killer and this is one of the victims. At that point, the movie no longer became scary and actually not even interesting because I figured out the ending way before I was supposed to. Suck it, Encyclopedia Brown!

As is usually the case, it was the minor details of the movie that ultimately ruined it for me. It made sense that the police questioned Sam extensively and even took away his passport because he was a valuable witness. It did not make sense, however, to let him take a tour of the forensic lab and give him a how to on evidence. Nor did it make sense to give him details and photographs of the case and expensive equipment just in case the killer called him. I don’t watch many crime shows so maybe this is a thing, but I imagine that it’s generally not a good idea to make your star witness also a detective.

Regarding the serial killer, it turns out that it was the woman Sam saw getting stabbed that night. What really happened, is that she was trying to stab her husband, as serial killers are wont to do, and somehow stabbed herself? That part wasn’t very clear. If so, she kind of sucked at her job. Her husband also helped kill people or something, but some scientist guy explained at the end that he was under some psychosis and didn’t do it on purpose. And not to be sexist, but once I realized that the killer was a woman, I stopped being even a little frightened. Her laugh at the end was supposed to be scary but it came off as annoying. Seriously, focus on stabbing and stop laughing about it and MAYBE you would have a higher body count. It really shouldn’t be that difficult. As for how the bird fits into all of this, Sam’s friend is some bird scientist and heard a bird sound when the killer called him. He really built up the whole thing, saying it was a very rare species only found in one part of the world, but that there was one in Italy. ‘Where??’, everyone wondered out loud and after a dramatic pause, the man said, ‘the zoo!’, and everyone rushed off excitedly. Sometimes it makes you wonder where the line is that separates ‘good’ movies from those perfect for Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Final review: 1/5. I could see it as a midnight showing with a small cult following, but that’s about it.

Up next: the final film for Horrorfest

#212- Suspiria

Quick recap: A young woman joins a prestigious ballet academy and realizes she should have done some research first about all of those murders.

With a place as red as this, you’d be crazy NOT to do all of your murdering here

Fun (?) fact: The director’s original idea was for the ballet academy to host little girls, but when he noticed the horrified looks on the crews’ faces, he decided to change the characters to women. Not wanting to exert any extra effort because let’s face it, writing in all of those murders takes a huge chunk of your time, the director kept all of the dialogue as is.

death by barbed wire, totally appropriate for little girls!

My thoughts: On my ever-changing, wildly biased and sometimes inaccurate list of monsters that scare me, witches tend to rank at the bottom. With the exception of the Blair Witch Project, witches seem more cool to me than scary. Not saying I advocate murder, but I like the idea of being able to cast whatever spells I want and get people to do my bidding. And if you know me, you know I have TONS of bidding that needs to be done. The witches in Suspiria (SPOILER ALERT: They are witches) fall more in the ‘scary’ spectrum than ‘not scary’, but I’m still not convinced I should be fearing for my life.

If you are someone who loves gory stuff, Suspiria is perfect for that sort of thing. There are many wonderfully bloody deaths from the get-go, which kept the plot interesting but didn’t really freak me out. The manner of deaths were also creative, which gave the witches a chance to show off. What impressed me about the film was that it was the little details that stuck with me, such as the creepy little boy and the maggots raining on all of the girls’ heads (that part wasn’t so little, I suppose). The color in the movie was also very off-putting. It reminded me of an old technicolor movie, but more vivid hues and less eye sores. Of everything mentioned though, it was the musical score that creeped me out the most. It’s hard to describe, but it totally sounds like a horror movie soundtrack. The director apparently played the score while filming and it even creeped out the actors.

The one drawback to the film is the acting. As mentioned before, the director didn’t feel like editing the script after changing the characters, so the dialogue seems weirdly childish. It didn’t bother me too much, but it also meant that I wasn’t very invested in the characters. I won’t give away the ending, but when Suzy figures out the academy’s secret purpose, I realized that I didn’t really care one way or another if she lived or died. There was never any background on her and it just seemed like if they didn’t kill her, it would be some other unlucky ballerina. On the other hand, the witches killing whomever they liked made the movie slightly scarier than if they just targeted her.

Final review: 4/5. Worth watching if you love horror movies

Up next: HorrorFest!

#209- The Sixth Sense

Quick recap: A kid sees dead people and also it’s really cold all of the time.

Fun (?) fact: M. Night Shyamalan said that he got the idea for The Sixth Sense after an episode of ‘Are You Afraid of the Dark?’. That show used to freak me out so much as a kid so it’s nice to know that it stuck with someone else as well.

My thoughts: Welcome to Horrorfest! The past couple of years have mostly been about trying to find something to truly terrify me, but seeing as how the list has started to dwindle a bit, my new theme is ‘Whatever is Left’. Catchy, don’t you think? Anyway, first up we have The Sixth Sense, which I chose because it is currently streaming on Netflix. I have seen this movie a few times, including once when it was still in the theater and embarrassed myself by crying because the ending confused me. So, yes, I knew about the ending beforehand, which, if you don’t, A: Congratulations on not getting spoiled yet! The internet can be a cruel, terrifying place about stuff like this and B: Probably best if you skip this post for now and keep your purity.

Knowing the ending before sitting down to watch the movie made it a little less fun, but not much. I started out trying to find all of the clues that would’ve given away that Malcolm was dead, but gave up pretty quickly because I was so wrapped up in the story. The details I did manage to find made the twist seem so obvious, but only if you know what you are looking for. For example, there is a very obvious close up to Bruce Willis’ face when Cole says that he sees dead people, yet that could also be explained by the director wanting to get a reaction shot. In the end, the realization was still a shock even though I knew it was coming. I liked that Shyamalan used shots from what we had already seen to explain what happened, rather than Malcolm just saying, ‘ Oh my god. I’m dead.’It’s nice when directors choose to trust that their audience can figure out what is going on.

What surprised me most this time around was the emotional punch this movie gave. As an adult, the ghosts no longer scare me, but the idea of having a child with this ability does. I’m not even talking about the ability to see ghosts, but any disability or something not easily treatable. Then there’s the idea of losing someone you love and trying to put myself in Anna’s shoes but being unable to dwell on it too much because it made me so sad. It’s really funny to me how much this movie terrified me when it first came out and now it still terrifies me, just in different ways.

FInal review: 5/5 Also, good on Muriel for getting married and having a kid, although I wish it was in better circumstances. Poor Muriel.

Up next: More Horrorfest!

#170- Blue Velvet

Quick recap: Jeffrey Beaumont, played by Kyle MacLachlan, is home from college to help his father, who has been injured. He finds a severed ear in a field one day which leads him to all sorts of messed up stuff. ALL SORTS.

Like this!

Fun (?) fact: ‘Actors considered for the role’ trivia is mostly dull and pointless. I mean, Ewan McGregor was considered for the role of my husband but in the end I went with someone else. I could literally say anyone else and no one could dispute me because I only considered them. But in this case,the trivia is interesting because SO many actors flat out turned down a role in Blue Velvet because they were so disturbed- Val Kilmer, Molly Ringwald, Helen Mirren. Even Roy Orbison initially turned down a chance for his song to play in the film but later came around and even made a music video for the movie.

And this!

My thoughts: I learned recently that apparently I have ‘ a thing’ for Kyle MacLachlan. I first encountered him in Desperate Housewives where he largely remained unnoticed to me. And then he resurfaced on Portlandia as The Mayor, and became one of my favorite characters. It wasn’t until Twin Peaks, however, that I truly realized this crush and have embraced it ever since. David Lynch must feel the same way I do, since he has cast him in so many of his projects.

I think it’s the mutual love of coffee and pie that drew me in

It’s no surprise that I thought Kyle MacLachlan did a fine job as Jeffrey Beaumont in Blue Velvet, as well as Laura Dern, who played Sandy. The movie wasn’t really about them, and although they are central to the story, I have a feeling David Lynch knew his other characters would be so insane that he had to put in a couple of boring people to even it out a bit. And, oh man, are those other characters INSANE. Everyone always refers to Anthony Hopkins, who played Hannibal Lector, as the ultimate psychopath, but he is a kitten compared to Dennis Hopper, who plays Frank in this movie. Frank is evil manifested and I think I’m still traumatized by the rape scene. This might not be a popularly held sentiment, but Dean Stockwell as Ben is just as creepy, if not more so. He looked like a mix between French Stewart and the Master of Ceremonies from Cabaret.

The plot was a little slow moving for me with many scenes feeling like I was watching some sort of a dream, which I guess is Lynch’s trademark. The music is also very similar to Twin Peaks, and actually, so is the premise. I think it’s hilarious how many people were offended by Blue Velvet and then a few years later, decide to give Lynch his own tv show, which has some of the most insane scenes that I have ever sat through. America, as an offended mob, can be a rather fickle crowd. Blue Velvet is for a very particular set of people, meaning if you like Lynch, you’re going to like this and if you don’t, this certainly won’t win you over.

Final review: 4/5

Up next: Being There

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1001 Movie Nights

Tag Archives: mystery

#213- The Bird with the Crystal Plumage

#212- Suspiria

#209- The Sixth Sense

#170- Blue Velvet

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