#231- There’s Something About Mary

Quick recap: In the screwballiest of screwball comedies, There’s Something About Mary is about a guy (Ted) in love with a girl (Mary).

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Ben Stiller as a high school kid will haunt me for a long while

Fun(?) fact: Lee Evans (who plays Tucker) has the most godawful British accent but as it turns out, he is actually British and just exaggerated what he normally sounds like. Actors!

 My thoughts: Hello. My name is Mary. YEAH. This movie came out when I was in middle school and has been the bane of my existence ever since then. Not that I needed more fuel for people to tease me about my name- ‘Hey Mary, how does your garden grow?’ ‘Hey, Mary, where’s your lamb?’ ‘Hey, Mary, are you proud?’ ‘Mary Me!’ (actually, that one was kind of funny). The point is, I hated this movie just for that reason and I’m glad to say that now I can hate it because it is the WORST.

All you really need to know about There’s Something About Mary is that it is directed by the Farrelly brothers, who are known for such gems as Shallow Hal, Osmosis Jones and Dumb and Dumber. Now, I have nothing against lowbrow comedy or even the Farrelly brothers in general. I have seen Dumb and Dumber many times and certain scenes still make me laugh. The difference though is that that movie had heart where this one just has jokes about masturbation and killing a dog. Yes, there is a love story but just barely. It’s mostly just a vehicle to get to the gross out stuff and making fun of people who are disabled. I never bought into the whole Ted/Mary dynamic mainly because there wasn’t much there. There is one scene where the two sit around and talk about more meat products needing to be on sticks. This turned out to be a joke that Seinfeld was going to use originally but decided against it so the Farrelly brothers bought it. These guys suck.

And as for the ending, which I’m going to go ahead and spoil because screw you if you want to watch this after my review, it turns out that EVERY guy is in love with Mary. There is a zany cast of suitors throughout the movie with the reveal at the end that Mary’s crazy high school boyfriend, Woogie, is Ted’s best friend and his been patiently waiting for his chance. I cried in despair upon realizing that I had been duped by the Farrelly brothers and hadn’t seen the twist ahead of time. The other reveal that Mary’s ex, Brett, was actually Brett Favre didn’t send me into quite as big a shame spiral, but I was still pretty broken up about the whole thing. Please don’t watch this movie.

Final review: 1/5. I guess you could call this the height of screwball comedies, which just means that it gets much, much worse.

Up next: Cleansing my palette with The Godfather

#227-Now, Voyager

Quick recap: Charlotte Vale is a Crazy Cat Lady without any cats. On the verge of a mental breakdown because her mother is basically the worst, her doctor at a sanatarium  helps her come out of her shell. While on a voyage, Charlotte meets Jerry Durrance who is handsome, sweet and also married. The two have a very heavy affair and at the end of the trip, decide to part ways. As anyone who has ever been in love can testify, that’s easier said than done.

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You can never go wrong with a makeover montage! Too bad they weren’t around when this movie was made.

Fun (?) fact: People went nuts after seeing Paul Henreid’s act of lighting two cigarettes. He couldn’t go out in public without someone asking him to light one for them.

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Cancer is sexy as hell

My thoughts: Makeover scenes in movies generally make me cringe, but Now, Voyager takes it to a whole other level. I couldn’t decide which one was the worst: When a niece of Charlotte ridicules her during her nervous breakdown, or when the doctor breaks her glasses because she doesn’t need them now that she is ‘normal’ or when Charlotte shows Jerry a younger picture of herself to which he calls her the ‘fat lady with the heavy brows and all the hair’. But I guess women were cool with stuff like that back then because she fell in love with him shortly after. Damn, girl.

So, I’m torn with how I feel about Charlotte. Good for her for gaining all that confidence although the only thing that really did any good was getting a man. Later on in the film she breaks off an engagement to a guy because she isn’t feeling it, which is awesome, except that she still in love with Jerry, who is still married. I came around a little when Charlotte checked herself into the sanatorium when she feared another breakdown, until it became apparent she was only there to get close to Jerry’s depressed daughter, Tina. Damn ,girl.

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different Tina

I guess the love Jerry and Charlotte had was cute, but the thing with Tina kind of ruined it for me. When she initially saw the girl at the sanitarium and befriended her, I thought that was kind of sweet, especially seeing as how the two had a lot in common. I was even into the scene where Charlotte helps Tina call her father because she missed him so much and I admired her for not jumping on the phone and declaring her love for him. But then that night, Tina had a nightmare and Charlotte went in and cuddled her. Still a little sweet until that voiceover when she spells out that she had her lover’s daughter in her arms. I cringed even more when Charlotte had the girl call her the pet name Jerry gave her on the voyage and then at the end when she admitted to Jerry that keeping the girl felt like she was raising ‘their’ child. Damn, girl.

Final review: 2/5

Up next: Duck Soup

#208- Stella Dallas

Quick recap: Stella marries Stephen Dallas, a former millionaire. They have a daughter together, but shortly afterwards, everything falls apart and the two separate. Stella devotes her life to Laurel, her daughter, and is willing to do anything for her happiness, even if it means giving her up and never seeing her again.

Throughout the movie, all I could think about was how much Bette Midler looks like Barbara Stanwyck. Come to find out, Midler later starred in an adaptation of this movie!

Throughout the movie, all I could think about was how much Bette Midler looks like Barbara Stanwyck. Come to find out, Midler later starred in an adaptation of this movie!

Fun (?) fact: The movie later became a radio serial that lasted for 18 years.

Our kind of serial is a bit different than what people in the 30s wanted.

Our kind of serial is a bit different than what people in the 30s wanted.

My thoughts: I think the most remarkable thing about Stella Dallas is that it was as hokey and sentimental as you can get, and yet I didn’t feel the need to roll my eyes at all. I don’t know, maybe I’m getting soft. I think part of this amazing feat is due to the fact that the acting was so well done, except for John Boles who basically just had to smoke his pipe and smirk at the camera. The character of Stella Dallas wasn’t my favorite, but I did love Barbara Stanwyck and her ability to make my heart break into pieces. Laurel Dallas, played by Anne Shirley also did a phenomenal job and went well above her role as ‘sad teen with a heart of gold’.

Stella Dallas was also more complicated of a story than I thought it would be. On one side, you have Stella, who hunts Stephen down and marries him, only to realize they had different goals. The synopsis I read said that Stephen tried to make Stella into someone glamorous, but considering that she sought him out after finding out that he was a former millionaire, I think this was the lifestyle she wanted. Stephen, on the other hand, wanted a family and quiet life. It was interesting how the two separated because it wasn’t some big event; they just drifted apart. I might have misunderstood some of the scenes, but it seemed to me to be a balanced view of the ending of a relationship.

I felt sorry for Stella’s character moreso than any other one in the film. She started out in a very strict household, only to move on to a man who didn’t stick around for very long. She had a great relationship with her daughter, but it was also extremely sad to see that her choices hurt Laurel. There were many sad scenes for me, but the worst was when Stella and Laurel were at the resort, and all the teens were badmouthing Stella while Laurel was within earshot. When the truth finally came out, it was devastating and led to Stella making Laurel go live with her father so she would have a better life. Her own life was a hot mess in every sense of the word and although it seems extreme by today’s standards, it really was for the best back then.

Final review: 4/5

Up next: The Big Sleep

#204- Sunrise: A Song of Two Humans

Quick recap: Girls from the City are evil creatures who wreak havoc on everyone they come into contact with. Avoid at all costs.

She's stealing his soul!

She’s stealing his soul!

Fun (?) fact: The city scenes were all filmed on a set, not an actual city.

You mean they weren't really walking straight into traffic? Nothing is real anymore.

You mean they weren’t really walking straight into traffic? Nothing is real anymore.

My thoughts: Despite what my 1001 Movies book says, Sunrise is TOTALLY a melodrama. A farmer has an affair with a Girl From the City (she doesn’t have a name and neither does any other character), which crushes his perfectly sweet wife. He’s totally a jerk about the whole thing, even rushing out to meet her while his wife is cooking dinner. She puts it in his head that he needs to kill his wife during a boat ride, which is about as melodramatic as you can get. During the ride, the wife figures the whole thing out and manages to escape. She pouts for awhile when they get to the city because, you know, she was almost murdered and that can bring anyone down. The farmer continues to beg for forgiveness, at one point even offering her a whole plate of sandwiches. I’m not sure what was socially acceptable back then, but I imagine that most people would have a hard time getting over attempted murder with a plate of sandwiches. Anyway, while pouting, the couple heads into a church where a wedding is taking place. The farmer has a revelation that he shouldn’t have been such a jerk, and the two fall madly in love again. Awww.

Alexis Bledel is a time traveler, apparently.

Alexis Bledel is a time traveler, apparently.

But wait, there’s more! As the ‘newlyweds’ head back to their farm in the boat, a storm comes out of nowhere and irony upon ironies! the boat flips over and the Wife is presumed to be dead. I’ll admit that the film had almost won me over until this point, and then I lost interest because I’m just not a melodramatic kind of person. Thankfully, all of this happens at the very end so I didn’t have to endure for very long. And it was worth watching because the Girl From the City meets up with the Farmer, thinking he went through with the plan. She expects him to say that he’s ready to move with her, but instead he strangles her and it’s kind of awesome. And of course, the Wife was not actually drowned and was found perfectly fine. They all lived happily ever after, except for the Girl From the City who was strangled.

Silent films tend to be overally emotional due to the fact that the actors must physically show how they feel since they can’t say it. Sunrise is no exception, but it mostly worked for me and wasn’t annoying. In the beginning of the film, the Farmer walks around like his boots are made out of lead, to represent the struggles he is dealing with (mainly him being a jerk). I appreciated watching his unhappiness rather than just reading it on a title card. And as I stated before, the Wife is about as perfect as anyone can get, so there’s no mistake as to who is ruining the marriage (actually there is , because it’s 1927, so it’s the city girl’s fault and not the poor Farmer’s doing). The scenes where the husband and wife reconnect are pretty silly, but also seem genuine and I really enjoyed them. For a melodrama, there were many moments that could’ve been over the top, yet came across as sweet and innocent. Still not a fan generally, but this one was rather ok.

Final review: 4/5

Up next: STAR WARS