#156- Sex, Lies, and Videotape

Quick recap: Sex. Lies. Videotape. Andie MacDowell’s sickingly sweet southern accent.

That’s pretty much it.

oh, and James Spader’s flowing locks. Can’t forget those.

Fun (?) fact: Andie MacDowell wasn’t even considered for awhile because her last movie was called Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes.

Actually, I’d totally watch this. That ape looks like he is throwing down some mad wisdom.

My thoughts: Andie MacDowell has been in 3 movies on my list so far: Groundhog Day (I liked her alright), The Player (Meh.), and Four Weddings and a Funeral (NOPE.). Let’s see where she lands after this review!

First of all, the SEX. John is sleeping with Ann’s sister, Cynthia, and although I never saw the actual sex, I got to see them panting and sweating afterwards. So I assume it was good? Could also be because they live in Louisiana and if you’ve ever been there, you know that you sweat from the moment you wake up until you go to sleep. And then continue to sweat in your sleep. But anyways, the sex. Graham (played by James Spader) is not having any sex because he is impotent (caused by lies. More on that later.) so instead he just films girls talking about sex and then gets off. There were a few scenes where he is laying around naked and the way he looked made me wander if he maybe killed all these girls because that would be a great premise. I’ll end with a picture of a naked Peter Gallagher, covered by a potted plant. Do girls go for that?

Now for the LIES. John is lying to his wife Ann and so is her sister and Graham kind of does too. It’s not really hard to see why Ann is in therapy because she is surrounded by horrible people. Well, I suppose Graham isn’t too bad because he used to be a pathological liar, but that made him impotent (is that a thing? I think he maybe should’ve gone to a doctor instead of diagnosing himself). I can’t think of any lies Ann told but she is so bland I’m not really sure what she would make up, except maybe saying she vacuumed a room when she didn’t. Moving on.

Finally, the VIDEOTAPE. So, this movie is one of those that wouldn’t exist if the internet had been around. Basically, Graham has a ‘fetish’ for videotaping women talking about sex. Yeah. Buddy, I don’t think you know what ‘fetish’ means. Throw in an octopus and clown shoes and now we’ve got something, but talking about sex? That’s just normal. In the end, he and Ann get together which is perfect because they are the most bland people on earth. What’s that you say? ‘but Graham wears black! He’s brooding! He’s complicated!’. No he’s not. He’s a guy who has trouble with intimacy so he watches bland porn. That’s it.

Final review: 2/5. I would’ve given it a 3 but I took off a point because Graham never had lemons for his iced tea. Savage.

I’m judging too, Andie MacDowell.

Up next: Swing Time

#155- The House is Black

Quick recap: Lepers! They’re just like us! They eat, play with friends and have bricks stacked on top of their hands in an effort to relieve stiffening joints. So much like us, those lepers.

Bart: At Sunday school, they said the lepers were cured by some bearded dude.
Homer: Jesus?
Bart: Yeah, that sounds right.

Fun (?) fact: Leprosy can be spread to humans from armadillos. Now I don’t feel so bad about all the ones I have hit in the past, and believe me, there were MANY.

My thoughts: There really isn’t much to say about this film, partly because it’s so short and partly because it’s just footage of people with leprosy so I’ll just look like a jerk if I make fun of them. Along with the footage, the director reads her own poetry as well as a few bible verses thrown in for good measure. Most of the time it felt like I was back in the church I grew up in, watching a promo video from some missionary needing sponsorship. At any minute I thought some preacher was going to pop up and in his thick southern accent, beg us to ‘please think of the children’. I’m just thankful there wasn’t inspirational music in the background or it might’ve been too difficult to hold back snark.

Despite what I just wrote, I never felt like The House is Black was exploitive. The people living in the colony seemed truly happy and it made me especially glad to see a team of doctors and nurses taking care of them. I always thought people in leper colonies were cast off and forced to survive on their own but that’s apparently not true for everyone. The podcast Stuff you Should Know did an excellent show about leprosy a few months ago and it was there that I learned how tightly knit these groups can be. There was a famous example of a colony in Hawaii where, even after it was closed, people chose to stay because it was their home. I also learned that the disease is curable although its disfiguring effects can not be reversed. As sad as these colonies seem to us, they are able to provide a somewhat loving, normal life.

The scene that kind of derailed the movie was at the end when the teacher asked his students such enlightening questions such as ‘name something good (friends, play time)’ and then ‘name something ugly (hand, foot)’. What the hell kind of lesson is this? And then he asks one of the children to explain why parents are important and the kid answers that he doesn’t know because HE DOESN’T HAVE ANY. Jeez. The title of the film comes from the teacher asking a man to write a sentence using the word ‘house’ and the man comes up with ‘the house is black’. So I guess they were studying grammar or ‘phrases you can use to totally make westerners feel even more sorry for you than they already do.’

MRW someone asks a stupid question.

Final review: 3/5.

Up next: Sex,Lies and Videotape

#154- The Terminator

Quick recap: A cyborg, played by the former governor of California (what a country!), travels back to the 1980s to assassinate Sarah Connor, whose unborn son will one day secure a victory against the machines and save humanity.

The Terminator also murders Bill Paxton, so he can’t be all that bad.

Fun (?) fact: O.J. Simpson was considered for the title role, but producers felt that he was ‘too nice’.

I for one welcome our new cyborg overlords

My thoughts: I have never seen The Terminator before ,although it is one of those movies that is so iconic it felt like I’ve watched it dozens of times. I tend to reject movies that have been gendered into ‘guy movies’ and ‘ girl movies’ because I feel it alienates people that might otherwise enjoy something if it hadn’t been labeled as such.

On the other hand, The Terminator is totally a ‘guy movie’. Not that there is anything wrong with that, of course. I am not a guy and I still enjoyed it, although the action sequences were a little too violent for my taste. I was very interested in the dystopian future (FYI 14 years from now) and also trying to figure out the whole time travel thing. Kyle Reese is from the future to protect Sarah Connor so that she may one day give birth to John Connor, the humanity’s savior. But he also travels back in time because he is totally in love with her and subsequently, they conceive the baby. Everything becomes all wibbly wobbly timey wimey at this point and it hurt my brain to think about it too much.

I think what impressed me most about The Terminator were the special effects. If I hadn’t been watching this with my husband, who apparently knows this movie very well,I would’ve missed most of this stuff because, it being 2015, I sometimes forget that computers haven’t always been around. The scene where the terminator takes out his eye is both gross and awesome.

I lost focus towards the end because it became more of a ‘just die, already’ sort of thing, with the terminator having been reduced to nothing more than a metal skeleton. It sort of reminded me of the black night in Monty Python, which was probably not what the director was going for.

’tis but a scratch

Final review: 3/5. I get bored by constant gunfights, but I’m hoping the sequel will be better.

Up next: The House is Black

1 Comment

#153- Straw Dogs

Quick recap: An American and his English wife move back to her childhood town where everyone is out to get them. It’s seriously messed up.

Thankfully, the movie and song aren't related. *shout out to the two of you who get this!*

What does it take to be a super hero in my world?/make no mistake that these villains always get the girl/we can escape and then we’d skate away from all of this/ but no one ever does

Fun(?) fact: Dustin Hoffman says he only took the role for the money. Not being a fan of violence (most people aren’t, buddy), in the scene where Hoffman beats a guy to death on the floor, he instead used coconuts to hit. You can see bits of it flying around in the movie during that scene.

at times, Hoffman reminded me of a much darker Ted Mosby. Now THAT would’ve been a more controversial ending to HIMYM

My thoughts: Oh, boy. At first glance, this is just a very violent movie. When I finished it the other night, I was ready to give it a 1/5 because it made me so uncomfortable. The more I thought about it, though, the more Straw Dogs began to remind me of A Clockwork Orange, another seemingly senseless violent movie that actually has a deeper meaning.

So, first of all, I suppose I should start with the concept of a ‘straw dog’. Straw dogs were ceremonial objects in Ancient China, but the reference in this film comes from an old text that says, ‘Heaven and Earth are heartless / treating creatures like straw dogs’. So I guess that would make the characters David and Amy the straw dogs? Honestly, the whole thing is beyond my ability of thinking. What I got from the movie is that violence is not always personal, it just happens and as David showed in the end, violence is in all of us. What a fun lesson!

The beginning of Straw Dogs confused me because the editing was so weird. It would jump to David and Amy about to have sex and then in the very next scene, she is crying in his office after he has said something to hurt her feelings. It made everything seem so turned around and off-putting, which is exactly what director Sam Peckinpah wanted the viewer to feel. And as for that rape scene most people know this movie by, I think it’s vitally important to discuss, since it has become a controversial issue lately. Rape has always seemed black and white to me but then in watching Straw Dogs, I get the grey line- what if a woman consents at first, sends mixed signals, or appears to enjoy herself? It’s still rape and there is still a crime being committed, yet some people feel that it legitimizes it in some way, as if there is only one kind of rape to be had.

Final review: 4/5, but grudgingly. Also, there’s a dead cat so I’m not giving it a full 5.

Up next: The House is Black

1001 Movie Nights

Monthly Archives: February 2015

#156- Sex, Lies, and Videotape

#155- The House is Black

#154- The Terminator

#153- Straw Dogs

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