Quick recap:  Sex. Lies. Videotape. Andie MacDowell’s sickingly sweet southern accent.

That’s pretty much it.

oh, and James Spader’s flowing locks. Can’t forget those.

Fun (?) fact: Andie MacDowell wasn’t even considered for awhile because her last movie was called Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Apes.

Actually, I’d totally watch this. That ape looks like he is throwing down some mad wisdom.

My thoughts: Andie MacDowell has been in 3 movies on my list so far: Groundhog Day (I liked her alright), The Player (Meh.), and Four Weddings and a Funeral (NOPE.). Let’s see where she lands after this review!

First of all, the SEX. John is sleeping with Ann’s sister, Cynthia, and although I never saw the actual sex, I got to see them panting and sweating afterwards. So I assume it was good? Could also be because they live in Louisiana and if you’ve ever been there, you know that you sweat from the moment you wake up until you go to sleep. And then continue to sweat in your sleep. But anyways, the sex. Graham (played by James Spader) is not having any sex because he is impotent (caused by lies. More on that later.) so instead he just films girls talking about sex and then gets off. There were a few scenes where he is laying around naked and the way he looked made me wander if he maybe killed all these girls because that would be a great premise. I’ll end with a picture of a naked Peter Gallagher, covered by a potted plant. Do girls go for that?

Now for the LIES. John is lying to his wife Ann and so is her sister and Graham kind of does too. It’s not really hard to see why Ann is in therapy because she is surrounded by horrible people. Well, I suppose Graham isn’t too bad because he used to be a pathological liar, but that made him impotent (is that a thing? I think he maybe should’ve gone to a doctor instead of diagnosing himself). I can’t think of any lies Ann told but she is so bland I’m not really sure what she would make up, except maybe saying she vacuumed a room when she didn’t. Moving on.

Finally, the VIDEOTAPE. So, this movie is one of those that wouldn’t exist if the internet had been around. Basically, Graham has a ‘fetish’ for videotaping women talking about sex. Yeah. Buddy, I don’t think you know what ‘fetish’ means. Throw in an octopus and clown shoes and now we’ve got something, but talking about sex? That’s just normal. In the end, he and Ann get together which is perfect because they are the most bland people on earth. What’s that you say? ‘but Graham wears black! He’s brooding! He’s complicated!’. No he’s not. He’s a guy who has trouble with intimacy so he watches bland porn. That’s it.

Final review: 2/5. I would’ve given it a 3 but I took off a point because Graham never had lemons for his iced tea. Savage.

I’m judging too, Andie MacDowell.

Up next: Swing Time