Quick recap: After escaping from a mental asylum, a psychotic killer roams through his hometown searching for more helpless, busty teens to kill.

No wire hangers! I mean…..yes wire hangers! ALL the wire hangers!

Fun (?) fact: Apparently everyone knows this but me (Thanks, second rate American education) but Janet Leigh (of Psycho fame) is the mother of Jamie Lee Curtis.

also, I thought Curtis was like 30, but really she’s the only one who was actually a teenager

My thoughts: In a quest to scare myself before the end of the month, what better movie to watch than Halloween? And unlike Jaws, I distinctly remember watching the original back when I was a kid. Actually, I think I watched it several times when I was younger but I don’t remember it scaring me all that much. Back then I had a very sophisticated system where I was able to rank all movies by their scariness, called the ‘It test’. The test consisted of one question: Was I watching the Stephen King movie It? If I was, then the movie was deemed ‘scary’ and if not, ‘not scary’. Like I said, very sophisticated. And although this movie had scary elements, it ultimately failed at scaring me then…….or now.

So first of all, this is the mother of all horror films. Most would argue that that title should be given to Psycho, but what I am referring to is the sort of horror film teenage girls watch at a sleepover and then spend all night staying up and scaring each other even more. The whole plot of the movie revolves around Michael Myers (back then referred to as The Shape) stalking teenage girls and murdering them. He had a town full of potential victims but all he wanted were the busty teens.  Therefore, this is a perfect movie for a 16 year old but for a 30 year old woman, not so much. I’ve been a little sad about getting older but after watching Halloween, I realize that I’m out of the demographic for Michael Myers murdering me. Hooray!

Halloween never really had any moments that surprised me, either. Thanks to the music I knew exactly when The Shape was going to show up. The death scenes themselves were also campy, especially with the fake blood. The scene with the tombstone creeped me out, but that was about it. What ruined it for me was the end when The Shape is stabbed with knitting needles, a wire hanger, shot several times and also fell out of a two story house, only to walk away seemingly unscathed. Leaving it at ‘psychotic killer’ would’ve been frightening enough but to turn it into a supernatural element of evil just made the whole movie seem silly.

Final review: In terms of scaring me, I’d give it a 2/5 but for the horror film it is, I’ll bump it up to a 4/5.

Up next: Horrorfest!

Quick recap: A young socialite goes out of her way to play a practical joke on a lawyer. And also something about murderous birds but that’s like the C plot so it’s not really important.

Fun (?) fact: A group of crows is called a murder. 

This one is just being a jerk

My thoughts: Welcome to Horrorfest 2014! I made the decision last year to only review the horror movies on my list during the month of October and it was loads of fun. I plan on doing the same this year, the only difference being that I’m going to actually try and scare myself this time around. Seeing as how almost everything frightens me, it shouldn’t be too difficult a task.

First up on my list is The Birds, which didn’t seem all that scary to me when I put it on the Netflix list. I want to be scared, mind you, not traumatized. The beginning of the movie seemed to justify my choice because it was all very silly. Now, it might just be that humor was different back then, but I didn’t find the ‘joke’ of Melanie buying the lovebirds, driving out to Bodega Bay and sneaking into Mitch’s house to leave the gift for the little sister all that funny. Psychotic perhaps. OH MY GOD. Maybe Melanie is really psychotic and goes on a murderous rampage after Mitch fails to get her lame joke. In a moment of clarity she realizes the horror of what she has done and blames it on the birds. It even explains Annie’s death because it was really done out of jealousy, not lousy crows pecking her eyes out. Then again, this movie could’ve literally been about birds. Probably that.

Ultimately, the question comes down to if I was scared or not and the answer is….kind of? I mean, the scene where the birds attacked the children was suspenseful but also kind of funny because it was obvious the birds weren’t real. Also because birds aren’t all that terrifying. Now if this was a pack (?) of man eating spiders, I’d totally get it. With that being said, the final scene when the birds descend on the house was scarier than I expected. The horror comes from hearing all the awful noises and having nowhere to hide, not necessarily that they were birds. Also,the scene were Melanie hears sounds upstairs and goes to investigate made me nervous and I was reminded of it as I walked up my own stairs that night. Hitchcock is the master of suspense after all,and in the end does a fine job making something ordinary turn seem utterly terrifying. Kind of.

Final review: 4/5. Maybe not ‘horror’ in the traditional sense but I enjoyed myself, nonetheless.

Up next: Horrorfest continues…..

Quick recap: Teenager Sidney Prescott, whose mother was raped and murdered a year before, is now being stalked by a sadistic serial killer (is there any other kind?)

Fun (?) Fact: In the scene depicting football player Steve’s death, a chair was used with no back so that the actor’s head could be seen, but with a fake torso.

My thoughts: Since this movie came out at around the time I was in middle school, it was shown at practically every sleepover I attended for the next couple of years. Although I don’t remember specific scenes, I do remember the sheer terror I felt while watching that movie. It would be several years before I would answer a phone when I was home alone, and to this day I still get anxiety looking out at my patio, just in case there is a gutted dead body. Besides all of the psychological torture, it was a movie that I couldn’t turn away from. Although I knew I would be scared and probably not be able to sleep that night, there was that accomplishment of having sat through the entire film without a complete break down.

Cellular phones are more trouble than they are worth

Flash forward to today where I am an adult and thus beyond the average age of murdered victim in a horror movie. It’s not that I can’t relate anymore, but I suppose I now prioritize my fears. And on my list, a creepy mask just doesn’t cut it. Or at least, that’s what I thought before starting the movie. Director Wes craven is a master at building suspense and dread. Even though I knew what Casey would see when she turned on the porch light, a part of me was hoping that this time it might be different. I had apparently completely blocked out the scene where Casey herself had been gutted and left to hang from a tree because when that image showed up, I jumped so hard that I nearly threw the laptop off of my lap. And for some reason, that reaction also made me happy because I knew that for the next two hours, I would be entertained. Scream is the perfect blend of horror and comedy- with lines that are insightful, said alongside disgusting images of teens being murdered. I think one of the scariest scenes for me was the one where Sidney was in the bathroom and could overhear a couple of girls talking about her mom being a slut. Sidney walks out of the stall after the girls have left and then hears someone calling her name. She frantically looks under the stalls, but sees no one. She is beginning to get more panicked and then a pair of boots hit the floor and she can see the black robe being pulled over the pants. It frightened me completely that there was no way out, even though I knew what was going to happen.

Watching this movie also gave me a strong sense of nostalgia that I wasn’t expecting. Seeing all of the outfits really brought back my own memories of middle school and high school. Although I haven’t thought about it before, Scream and Clueless are great symbols for the ’90s. I mean, even Courtney Cox is in the movie! I especially loved the scene where everyone is in the movie rental store, taking all of the horror films. It has been forever since I have been in a Blockbuster and for a split second I realized how sad it is that my child will never get to experience that. But then I remembered that I was watching this movie on my laptop and that I have literally thousands of titles at my fingerprints.

So ’90s!

Final review: A solid 4/5. The ending,although I know it was a joke on the horror genre, grated on my nerves as everyone kept popping up from the dead. Also, in looking back from having seen this movie when it originally came out, how could I ever have thought Billy WASN’T the killer?

Nightmares? Thankfully, no. I did however, run like hell upstairs after the movie was over. I also won’t be looking at the porch during the night time any time soon.

Up next: Alas, Horrorfest has come to an end. Next movie up should be Amélie, where I’m sure my two months of learning French will surely come in hand!

Quick recap: The undead have arrived and they are everywhere, just waiting to sink their teeth into some tender flesh. What better way to survive than holed up in a mid-70s shopping mall?

ok, so this is a mid-80’s shopping mall. But still. NOSTALGIA!

Fun (?) Fact: Tom Savini, who did all of the make-up and special effects for the film, worked with only a crew of 8. He and his crew applied makeup to about 200-300 extras every weekend during production.

My thoughts: I am SO over the zombie craze that has been going on the past few years. Zombie movies, zombie books, zombie shows, zombie 5K-WHY is that even a thing? I personally tend to find most zombies terrifying, but the proliferation of them in all forms of media has made them nothing more than an annoyance. I inwardly groaned as I put in the DVD for Dawn of the Dead, but realized about a third of the way through that this was exactly what I needed to appreciate the monster that is the zombie. It was breath of fresh air- or, about as fresh as you can get with dead people.

Watching the first part and seeing zombies getting their heads blown off did not interest me at first and the scenes of them tearing into people’s shoulders and arms was gory, but not scary. It wasn’t until the shopping mall that I could finally be creeped out. What I love about this portrayal of the zombie is that they are relentless. They aren’t overly aggressive, meaning they won’t jump on you from out of nowhere and bite you, but they do not give up. After everyone had been at the mall for a few months, there were STILL zombies pawing at the door, trying to come in. And anytime one of the characters got too close, the zombie wouldn’t speed up but instead just keep moving forward until he was ultimately successful. Watching the Mall Zombies shuffle around was humorous at times, especially when they were on the escalator, but by the end of the film, with Stephen having turned, it became truly frightening.

That’s some excellent zombie-ing, right there.

Now, as for the central point of the film-that a shopping mall is the best place to survive, I can see both sides of the issue. First of all, the malls of today are in no way equipped for long term living. Corporations have taken out all the gun shops and the only food you can find nowadays at a mall is Sbarro pizza and sometimes Cinnabon, if you are lucky. Let’s face it, we wouldn’t last long. Sure, I’d have my Old Navy Pullover to comfort me, but it isn’t good protection against a zombie. If I had to choose a modern day place, I’d go for something like the Amazon warehouse because I’m pretty sure that place would have everything you needed. My first instinct was to say Wal-Mart, but it is only one story and there aren’t that many good hiding places.

The theme of the movie that consumers are basically zombies is still spot on. Many times during the film, Peter mentions that the zombies come to the mall because they remember it and they feel like they need to be there and that is still true. Watch the news about Black Friday this year and when the picture of the shoppers clawing at the door appears, try to imagine everyone with a bluish tint and blood everywhere. It’s totally the same as a zombie!

I get it now. Best pop culture reference ever.

Final review: 5/5. This is a true zombie movie and what everyone else tries to be.

nightmares? Totally. I didn’t think the zombies were all that terrifying until about 3 in the morning when I swear I could hear shuffling upstairs.

Up next: just one more movie left for Horrorfest!