#217- The Color of Pomegranates

Quick recap: Red. The color of pomegranates is red. And sometimes pink, but mostly red.


I’ve seen a lot of life hacks about eating pomegranates, but this is a new one

Fun (?) fact: Director Sergei Parajanov once said that the American public didn’t understand his movie because people ‘are going to this picture as to a holiday.’


Weirdest holiday ever.

My thoughts: The Color of Pomegranates is about the life of Armenian poet, Sayat-Nova. Despite being a a biographical film, there isn’t really a plot, or words, or characters or anything that would help me understand what I was watching at any point in time. So instead, I took everything at face value and came up with a few highlights to share with you about Sayat-Nova’s life:


As a young boy, nothing made Sayat-Nova happier than dancing while his face was obscured with an instrument


His real passion, as we will see throughout this film, was holding stuff


From his angsty teenage years


Sayat-Nova cared about his studies and finally got accepted into a university that specialized in professional pomegranate eating


Sadly, Sayat-Nova died. His many friends attended the funeral

Now, it could be that director Sergei Parajanov put everything in here as a symbol, but as a stupid American who doesn’t appreciate good film, I wouldn’t know better.

Final review: 1/5. Supposedly this is a gorgeous film with a ton of meaning, but it went WAY over my head.

Up next: Detour



#213- The Bird with the Crystal Plumage

Quick recap: A man witnesses a woman being stabbed and observes something ‘off’ about the assault. He takes it upon himself to solve the case, all the while trying to remember the one detail that will solve everything.

*SPOILER ALERT* It wasn't the bird

*SPOILER ALERT* It wasn’t the bird

Fun (?) fact: There is no such thing as a bird with crystal plumage. Playing the part in the movie is your common household Grey Crowned Crane.

A woman is being stabbed! Now is not the time for your mime routine, Sam.

A woman is being stabbed! Now is not the time for your mime routine, Sam.

My thoughts: Although this movie is listed as horror, it’s really more of a thriller. There’s nothing supernatural or paranormal- just some person killing a lot of people. In that respect, I guess Henry: Portrait of a Serial Killer and Silence of the Lambs aren’t really horror movies, either, but they have more frightening moments than this one. Bird with the Crystal Plumage starts with a person in a black trench coat taking pictures of women. A little creepy, I guess. And then a few moments later the main character, Sam, sees what he thinks is a woman being stabbed. She writhes on the floor covered in blood, and because it’s an art gallery where the doors are pieces of art and can’t open, Sam can’t do anything about it. When the police come, they question him because it’s all really suspicious. It is then revealed that the city has a serial killer and this is one of the victims. At that point, the movie no longer became scary and actually not even interesting because I figured out the ending way before I was supposed to. Suck it, Encyclopedia Brown!

As is usually the case, it was the minor details of the movie that ultimately ruined it for me. It made sense that the police questioned Sam extensively and even took away his passport because he was a valuable witness. It did not make sense, however, to let him take a tour of the forensic lab and give him a how to on evidence. Nor did it make sense to give him details and photographs of the case and expensive equipment just in case the killer called him. I don’t watch many crime shows so maybe this is a thing, but I imagine that it’s generally not a good idea to make your star witness also a detective.

Regarding the serial killer, it turns out that it was the woman Sam saw getting stabbed that night. What really happened, is that she was trying to stab her husband, as serial killers are wont to do, and somehow stabbed herself? That part wasn’t very clear. If so, she kind of sucked at her job. Her husband also helped kill people or something, but some scientist guy explained at the end that he was under some psychosis and didn’t do it on purpose. And not to be sexist, but once I realized that the killer was a woman, I stopped being even a little frightened. Her laugh at the end was supposed to be scary but it came off as annoying. Seriously, focus on stabbing and stop laughing about it and MAYBE you would have a higher body count. It really shouldn’t be that difficult. As for how the bird fits into all of this, Sam’s friend is some bird scientist and heard a bird sound when the killer called him. He really built up the whole thing, saying it was a very rare species only found in one part of the world, but that there was one in Italy. ‘Where??’, everyone wondered out loud and after a dramatic pause, the man said, ‘the zoo!’, and everyone rushed off excitedly. Sometimes it makes you wonder where the line is that separates ‘good’ movies from those perfect for Mystery Science Theater 3000.

Final review: 1/5. I could see it as a midnight showing with a small cult following, but that’s about it.

Up next: the final film for Horrorfest

#105- The Golden Coach

Quick recap: An actress in a traveling troupe must choose between 3 men who are in love with her, one of whom gives her a golden coach. But then the actress realizes that she is a self-sufficient talented woman and chooses none of them. In a further ‘screw you’ move, she gives the coach to the Bishop who will in turn use it to help the sick and dying. An important life lesson there: Stick it to your love interests by giving to the poor. I should cross stitch that on a pillow or something.

but first I need to learn how to cross stitch

but first I need to learn how to cross stitch

Fun (?) fact: Director Jean Renoir was the son of Pierre Renoir, the artist. That’s about as fun as I can get on this movie.

Baby picture!

Baby picture!

My thoughts: I was afraid to watch this movie for fear I might die from overexposure to pretentiousness. The movie is directed by a French guy, set in Peru, featuring Italian actors. Add to that, the story centers around a Viceroy whose main problem is that he falls for an actress who he can be himself around. You know, a down to earth guy who buys golden coaches. And of course, after giving her this rather extravagant gift, he finds out she’s been seeing two other guys. But really though, the Viceroy should’ve had a bit more common sense than that. Anyone knows that you don’t throw out the golden coach as a gift first thing. If that’s where you start, how can you possibly top yourself?

Visually, the movie is very colorful. The traveling acting troupe’s costumes were gorgeous and made the skits much more enjoyable to watch. I was little confused by the nobility, though. I’m not up on my Peruvian history, far from it, but I don’t think they had a bunch of white guys running around in powdered wigs back then. The plot itself is silly so I won’t analyze it too much. Beyond the colorful costumes and scenery, I was definitely not a fan of the musical score. It was typical classical music, which is fine, but it played THE ENTIRE TIME. Sometimes it was even hard to hear what was going on because the music was so loud. The music didn’t even really match with the plot. If you are going to have a symphony playing at all times, you should at least thrown in a Sad Trombone of Regret or the Triangle of Doom to give the audience cues on how to react.

I’m still confused as to who I was supposed to sympathize with during the movie. Camilla, the actor, is being wooed by a soldier, the viceroy and a bull fighter, one of whom gives her a golden coach.Not really the worst options, if you ask me. As for the suitors, I guess I liked the soldier because he was there from the beginning and Camilla dumped him once she saw she could get something better. The Viceroy annoyed me with his purchases of golden coaches and a never ending trail of women who swooned over him. The bullfighter seemed like a decent choice, minus the ego but isn’t that par for the course for a profession like that? I was a fan of the ending though, Camilla deciding to pursue her acting career and giving the coach away.It was really the best decision because she had caused so much strife within the small community.

This is how to impress the ladies in 18th century Peru

This is how to impress the ladies in 18th century Peru

Final review: 1/5. Not a fan, although this wasn’t traumatic like some of my other 1 point movies

Up next: The Conversation

#97- L’Age d’or

Quick recap: A man and woman want to get it on but keep getting interrupted by the church, society and family. LAME.

ruins the mood a little

ruins the mood a little

Fun (?) fact: Director Luis Buñuel and Salvador Dalí were good friends but had a falling out before the movie was set to start filming. The first day on the set Buñuel chased Dalí off the premises with a hammer.

My thoughts: I don’t even know. L’Age d’or begins with a documentary about scorpions and ends with an orgy with Jesus so……. basically, it’s your typical French film. I started out somewhat interested, especially when it came to the scorpions. I have severe arachnophobia and I was just thinking to myself  last night how nice it would be to have a new fear and what better than another arachnid?? But then the scene changed to a bunch of soldiers who are fighting some religious guys and I was a little confused, but figured I would catch on as the film went on. And then in the next scene the religious guys were skeletons and a man and woman were trying to have sex in public and at that point I threw my hands in the air and just went with it.

The problem I had with L’Age d’or is not that it was all symbolic, but that it was symbolism I had never seen before. At this point, I’m just going to assume everything I watched was a reference to sex in some way. On the positive side, I learned a whole new crop of euphemisms for sexual repression: ‘kicking the violin down the street’, ‘cow in the bed’, ‘slap an old woman’, and my personal favorite- ‘ murder a child for no reason’. Fun times, I’m telling you.

No, really.

No, really.

So, did the man and woman ever hook up?? I don’t know, kind of? At one point they were making out while a symphony played a few feet away and then they had each other’s hand in the other’s mouth, so I guess that counts as second base? The woman starts fellating a statue’s toe a little later on so I assume she wasn’t satisfied. At the end of the film, the two lovers are holding each other and having pillow talk- discussing how sleepy they are and how nice it is to murder children. And then the next scene the guy has blood all over his face. Luckily, I had checked out way before this scene came on and I wasn’t too traumatized.


Final review: 1/5 and I don’t really think I need to go into detail as to why.

Up next: Babe!